I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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