i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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