My friends, they love my intelligence
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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