Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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