That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize