I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
