I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
