I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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