Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
