I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize