seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
