Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
