My cat gives me a boner
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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