Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
