I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
