my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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