I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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