I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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