I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
