i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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