I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
