Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize