apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
