piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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