everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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