At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
