My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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