Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
