how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
