just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
someone owes me an orgasm
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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