Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
