I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
