I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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