We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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