Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
