Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
