i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
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