While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
