Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
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