Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
