mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
