Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
