she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
