Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
