Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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