I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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