good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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