He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
