People in love make me want to vomit
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
