In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
