i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
