I didn't shave. On purpose
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
