there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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