Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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