You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize