now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
My liver is preforming stress tests.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
